I Will Praise You In This Storm

The only consistent thing in my life right now is change. I can't complain too loudly though. I think the blessings and the trials are neck and neck to date, and they are both numerous. So rather than going on and on about what has happened in detail, I"m going to make a brief list.

1. Wayne has some mystery illness. Blood tests aren't showing anything out of the ordinary. his symptoms are all over the place. But on the whole he thinks he's getting better.
2. David has been acting out at school frequently. We are going to have to get counseling as a family. That's not a bad thing except that only the 1st 6 sessions are free through the school district. After that we're on our own. The school also thinks David may be bored in class since he is so smart. He will be getting tested for the gifted program.
3. Both my mom's father and stepfather have passed away in the last 40 days, It didn't come as a great shock since they were both well into their 90's. Both had health issues before the end. It's just a huge blow to deal with one right after the other. My only living grandparent is my 96 yr old grandmother- mom's side. I feel sad for her more than anyone else. I cannot fathom the grief she is having to endure. 
4. Money is so tight right now. My parents are taking on the brunt of our expenses. I have no idea how we are ever going to repay them. But, I know that the money itself is not the source of the anxiety and helplessness I feel. It is depression. I've struggled with it almost my whole life. These are the times when I have to let the reality of Christ override the lies my emotions are screaming at me. I cling to His promises like a drowning man to a lifeboat.  

There are no easy solutions for the problems we are facing these days. But, I know this:
The birds of the air and the lilies of the field are taken care of by my Heavenly Father. He loves me infinately more than they and will act accordingly to take care of me and my family. I have nothing to worry about. (Matthew 6:25-31 paraphrased)

"I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands. 'Cause You are who You are no matter where I am. Every tear I cry You hold in Your hand... Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm."

Caution: Construction Zone

This is not the blog post I had intended to write. I wanted to start off the year with some theology from Matthew 7. God knows I'm no theologian. I started this post about a week ago with the idea that life is like a house and that sometimes in order to make a few improvements, you have to knock out walls and that sort of thing.  But, after the last couple of weeks,  I've had to rethink that analogy. Here is the text:
"Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock." Matthew 7:24-25 (ESV)
The thought that keeps coming back to me is that, within the context of the whole Bible, God (Jesus) is not just the foundation but also the Owner of the house. The One that controls the wind and the rains also holds the keys to my life. I'm sure that isn't a new concept to some. I think I may have heard a teaching or two on this very idea. It is meant to give us comfort when the storm clouds gather. 
Anyway, scripture often describes believers as temples(homes) of the Holy Spirit.
"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own." 1 Corinthians 6:19 (ESV)
Verse 20 goes on to say that "you were bought with a price." I have to say that this passage is set within the context of sexual immorality. But I think the implication of this text is far greater than that. Jesus has bought and paid the mortgage on my life with his sacrifice. 
So, if He's the owner, what does that make me?   
I say all that so I can say this: If God is the foundation of my life and the keeper of my soul, I need to trust that he is not going to let the floods carry me away. But even more importantly, I have to accept the renovations that sometimes need to take place. I have to just step aside and let the Foreman do his job.
Do you ever feel like your world has been gutted out like a cheap mobile home?
I am almost ashamed to admit that fear and depression have slowly made their way into my house. I left the front door open for the flood. I'm not the only one either. The stress my husband has had to endure is now making him sick. I will be very surprised if he doesn't have an ulcer by the end of this. 
Here's why.
It has been nearly 3 months since my husband has had a paycheck. The really hurtful part is that he had a job for 2 of those months. The company never paid him for one reason or another. Even worse was that we believed the lies they fed us up until my husband was fired for a mistake that anyone there could have made. Weeks and weeks of stress were piling up all the while. There was some amount of relief when he was let go. But, by that point, the damage was done.
The drama still continues to unfold.
I don't know if there is going to be a happy ending in the near future. The State of NM has finally stepped in to go after this corporate jerk. The process may take years to see results and, more importantly, the lost income.
The foundation still holds firm.
 The hope I have has not left me completely. A rebuild is already in progress. I am still able to see God working even in the midst of my struggles. Recognizing the small blessings in life has helped me keep what's left of my sanity. And after all, we still have food on the table and a roof over our heads.

What's next?

Ok. This is my blog. Now what? I really had no intentions for this spot I've created for myself in cyberspace. Originally, it was just a means to vent some long thought about revelations I was having about my current state of affairs. For those who might be wondering, nothing has changed with that. But, as I've wrestled with the blog concept, I think that an online diary is kind of a waste of time when you consider the other media available today. It's completely redundant when you have Facebook, Twitter and MySpace accounts. I do, for the record, have all three. In my defense, though, I would have gotten rid of the MySpace except that I can't due to a bad email account associated with it.
Anyway... What I'd like to strive for is a record of God's hand in my journey through life. I am going to share what God is revealing to me at any particular moment in my life and in the life of my family. I promise to keep the redundancy with other media to a minimum as much as possible. My goal is to try and represent as best I can the life Christ calls me to lead. I hope anyone reading it will be blessed. But, with so many other things out there, I have to say I'd probably still do this even if it were for my own grins and giggles. Comments will be allowed on all the posts. I welcome them. HOWEVER- anything vulgar, profane, or disrespectful to myself or other comments will be removed from the site.
I know you have many choices when wasting time on the internet. Thanks for your eyeballs!

Christmas 2010 (Or A Comedy of Errors)

I'm surprisingly content about the way our Christmas has turned out. So many things have gone wrong recently. I think sometimes we operate under Murphy's Law: "If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the FIRST to go wrong." That's sums it up pretty soundly too.
The trouble started back in September when my husband was unexpectedly laid off from the plant he was working at.  (It actually closed it's doors due to losing it's only contract.) For 2 weeks we didn't know if he was going to be called back to work. But as a precautionary measure, he put his resume out there to start looking for other opportunities. It seemed that God was smiling on us at that point because my husband was contacted by a couple of companies who seemed serious to talk to him. He went and interviewed with both companies in Denver and was eventually called back for a second interview on one of the jobs. This time it involved a VP and a management position. There was much rejoicing when he was hired starting November 1st.
And then came the rain...
First, the management position wasn't a good fit. So rather than letting him go, they were going to transfer him to the maintenance dept. My husband is an industrial mechanic by trade, so honestly he was relieved to be turning a wrench again instead of behind a desk. The problem was they wouldn't need him in the position until December 1st. The job wasn't open yet because there was a person leaving for a new job that was delayed. They assured him not to worry. He would be compensated for his time until the job opened up. That person didn't leave as scheduled, but my husband was, again, assured he would still be on the payroll as a manager until he started working in the shop.
For time's sake, I will cut the gory details down to this: we have yet to see a paycheck from the company. For one reason or another, my husband hasn't seen a dime. And to make matters worse unemployment hasn't paid out either. Apparently, the company he left hasn't paid any claims on unemployment to the 30+ people let go from the plant that closed. Unemployment says they can't do anything until the company coughs up the money to pay the laid off workers.
That brings us to the present. To Christmas.  How does a family of four survive for 4 months and not starve, get evicted, or tear apart in all that chaos? How can I sit here and say I'm content with the hand life has dealt me?

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"  

Matthew 6:25-27 (NIV)

I cannot say that I've been good at letting go of the situation I find my family dealing with. I cannot say that I haven't been angry or frustrated, or confused by the circumstances we're in to the point of tears. But, those are the moments that remind me where my focus should be. I am a Christian. My life has never been perfect. Believing in Jesus doesn't make my problems magically disappear.  What it's done is changed my point of view.

No matter what the world can dish out I know I have a Father in heaven that will not let me go. This is not the first time my husband has had issues with a place of employment. We have been married for 9 years this past September. At last count, he has changed jobs 6 or 7 times including some temp work. It seems to be the nature of his work. The longest he's been unemployed is a year. The shortest was 2 weeks. God was there in all of it.

How do I know? Because for the most part, I have peace. Not the kind of peace one hears about on the news where one country agrees to stop bombing another but the hostilities remain. The peace that surpasses understanding and reason. Peace that can only come from knowing you are being looked after by a God that loves you and wants to be in intimate relationship with you. That is the God of the Bible. The One who has held nothing back in order to bring me closer to himself. I've already said I'm not perfect. My kids and my husband will back that up wholeheartedly. However, my foundation, the truth to which I base my decisions, is in Christ Jesus. He gives me hope.

Hope is a powerful thing. I hope that God will see us through this time in our family history because of what He has already accomplished through prior circumstances. We have never gone hungry, We have always had a place to live. Things that we need have always been provided- sometimes in the most unexpected ways. Have I always gotten the things that I want? No. But, that's my problem, not God's. The passage I quoted above goes on to say this:

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (vs. 33-34)

I need to be seeking out God's will for my life. I am his vessel. I can't ask him for something that is outside his character and expect to receive it. When my heart is more in tune with what God wants from me, then his wants and desires become mine. In other word- I will want for me what God wants for me. It sounds easier than it is. New problems can pop up every day like dandelions in spring. But, staying focused on what I know to be true about God gives me hope that I will be carried even when my heart fails to follow His lead. 

Back to Christmas...

No money for presents and 2 kids that think Santa still delivers the toys. It's so easy to say that Christmas is not about gifts. Try explaining that to a 7 and 3 year old without completely dashing all their sugar plums. My husband and I have never really subscribed to the over-the-top extravaganza that some people feel is necessary to induce sufficient holiday bliss. Our gifting is usually strategic and utilizes the most bang for the least buck. An example of this is an art desk we got for our son 2 years ago. Yes, it was $50. But, he still uses it to this day. When he grows out of it his little sister will use it. That was $50 well spent in my estimation. This year's "wow" gift was a play kitchen that the kids will share. Nothing really extravagant. The kids loved it. I thank God for providing the funds to get it and our family for getting extra pots and play food to go with it. I can't help but be reminded that the gifts Jesus got on his birthday weren't directly from his parents either.

We had the added bonus of playing host to Christmas dinner this year. 4 generations sat around my table. I got to witness my daughter playing with her great-grandma and my son reading to his grandfather. How can I not feel blessed at a time like this? A year and a half ago we never dreamed we would be in ABQ, God knew. He knew the trials were coming and brought us to a place where I would be surrounded by the kind of support I'd need. I never realized until recently how much I cherish the friend I have in my mom. She is a godly woman who has taken me on during some of the worst times of my adolescent and adult life. I now consider her one of my closest friends. I got to sit next to her at the dinner table today. It is by God's grace that I can still see the blessings during such huge trials. Even more amazing is the peace I have in the midst of this storm. Thank you, Jesus.